


Rewrite the Stars

by IsaacTheGreat69



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, M/M, poor logan has bad thoughts, sad arguing boyos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-16
Updated: 2018-09-16
Packaged: 2019-07-12 22:24:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16004537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IsaacTheGreat69/pseuds/IsaacTheGreat69
Summary: Logan and Roman get in a fight. Is this the end?





	Rewrite the Stars

**Author's Note:**

> aaaaaa so I'm never confident in my Logan characterization but I tried?   
> Based on Rewrite The Stars from The Greatest Showman

“I don’t need you!” Logan shouted angrily, face red and eyes gleaming with forming tears. “I don’t need anyone!”

“Good.” Roman replied, face blank and tone flat and quiet, making Logan stall uncertainly. “Because I’m done.”

“W-what?” Logan’s eyes widened, feeling like the floor had fallen from under his feet. All the fight had suddenly left him.

* * *

 

Logan had been coming to this small hole-in-the-wall coffee house every day for nearly two months now. His sleep schedule had been thoroughly messed with, because he was only coming in the evening, but he’d realized pretty quickly that the reason he bothered showing up at all wasn’t there until about 7 pm.

That reason was a barista named Roman.

_He’d first met Roman when he came to the coffee house in search of caffeine and free internet away from the noise of his dormmate. He had a paper to finish and with his cohabitant’s habit of blasting music from his speakers, Logan knew he wouldn’t get any work done if he stayed there. Unfortunately, he wasn’t one for coffee, so he didn’t know where any coffee houses were._

_He’d wandered several blocks, about ready to give up and head home when he saw the small sign. It hung from a small iron pole, a rather old-fashioned feel to it that extended into the shop itself as Logan curiously walked in. He looked around, finding it nearly empty save for a few college students who’d had the same idea as Logan. There was a small stage in the corner with a microphone, stool, and a guitar on a stand illuminated by a spotlight. Logan sighed, hoping whatever hapless amateur was about to play wasn’t too distracting._

_Logan had shouldered his book bag and walked up to the counter, glancing over the menu. The barista – Roman, his nametag said – smiled kindly at him, and when Logan looked ready to order he perked up. “I’ll take a plain coffee. Do I add sugar myself, or shall I include that in my order?” Roman wrote the order on a cup, glancing at Logan from under his lashes with a slight smirk. “You add it yourself. Everything’s over there! Can I get a name for the order?” He gestured – rather elegantly, Logan thought – to a small table against the wall with sugar, Splenda, mixing sticks, and other small things. Logan nodded, “Ah, thank you. Logan.” Roman smiled brightly and nodded. “That’ll be $3.45!”_

_Logan paid the barista and went to sit at a table, pulling out his laptop. By the time it was booted up and he had his essay open, the barista came over with his coffee and a few sugar packets. Logan gave him a small smile, taking the items. “Thank you… Roman.” Roman seemed surprised that Logan knew his name, so Logan pointed to his nametag and Roman laughed sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck. “Oh, of course. It was no problem Logan.” He walked off and Logan turned back to his laptop, adding the sugar distractedly as he typed with one hand._

_Ten minutes into his essay, the lights dimmed just slightly, and someone took the stage. Logan didn’t look up from his laptop, too occupied with his essay to care about who’s playing. Their playing was soft, yet smooth and purposeful, carrying on the air like the scent of fresh-baked bread, lulling and lively all at once. Logan supposed it was pleasant to listen to, a welcome change to the stereotypical young adult playing woefully-written original songs._

_And then the man started to sing._

_“I close my eyes and I can see_  
The world that's waiting up for me  
That I call my own  
Through the dark, through the door  
Through where no one's been before  
But it feels like home

 _They can say, they can say it all sounds crazy_  
They can say, they can say I've lost my mind  
I don't care, I don't care, so call me crazy  
We can live in a world that we design”

_Logan had never cared for singing. He found it an unnecessary strain on the vocal folds, and a superfluous method of conveying thoughts an emotion. While a good melody could relax even his most anxious friend, singing in and of itself – as a whole – was pointless to Logan. But this was amazing. This was art. His voice drew Logan’s attention, and he found that he couldn’t ignore it’s call for the sake of his paper. He looked up to see who was having such an effect on him, surprised to see the ba- Roman._

_Roman’s eyes were closed, his posture and movements relaxed. He had a smile on his face as his fingers deftly plucked and strummed the chords of the guitar as if he’d been born with it in his hands._

_“Every night I lie in bed_  
The brightest colors fill my head  
A million dreams are keeping me awake  
I think of what the world could be  
A vision of the one I see  
A million dreams is all it's gonna take  
A million dreams for the world we're gonna make

 _However big, however small_  
Let me be part of it all  
Share your dreams with me  
You may be right, you may be wrong  
But say that you'll bring me along  
To the world you see  
To the world I close my eyes to see  
I close my eyes to see”

_Logan felt breathless as Roman’s voice swelled, lips parting around the words, just to fade at the start of the chorus and build up all over again._

_“Every night I lie in bed_  
The brightest colors fill my head  
A million dreams are keeping me awake  
A million dreams, a million dreams  
I think of what the world could be  
A vision of the one I see  
A million dreams is all it's gonna take  
A million dreams for the world we're gonna make”

_He sang the last line so gently, eyes opening finally and looking right at Logan, that goosebumps rose on Logan’s arms._

_“For the world we're gonna make”_

_Logan blushed as the last note faded out and Roman was still staring. He ducked his head down, going back to his paper – missing the smile on Roman’s face._

Logan had been coming nearly every day since then. He tried to tell himself that it was because his dormmate was bothersome; too loud, always bringing friends over. He tried telling himself it was because he could only focus when the environment was this quiet and relaxed, but honestly Logan could work in the library if he wanted to. No, Logan came there and ruined his sleep for the barista who sang like a god and smiled like the sun.

“Hello again Logan. Working on another boring English paper?” Logan snapped out of his thoughts to regard Roman on the other side of the counter, a look in the barista’s eyes that he couldn’t name.

“Ah, yes, something like that.”

“So, the usual?”

Logan nods. “If you would, thank you.” Roman nods, writing the order and taking Logan’s money before Logan took his usual seat. Truthfully, he didn’t have a big paper due, but what was the harm in doing some e-reading in peace? A moment later Roman brought him his coffee, then left to take his spot on the stage. He grinned and winked when Logan looked up, fingers beginning to play a melody Logan had long since memorized.

* * *

 

“You- you don’t mean that. You’re- you’re lying. Being dramatic. Trying to prove a point.” Logan took a step forward, feeling like he was grasping at straws but desperate to cling to something that would tell him this was a joke.

* * *

 

Logan had been… surprised, to say the least, when he found out that Roman goes to the same university as him. They’d actually run into each other completely by accident, Roman quite literally running into Logan in his rush to get to a class he was late for. The two apologized to each other profusely as Roman helped Logan pick up the papers and books he’d dropped and agreed to meet in the cafeteria after classes to talk.

It would be an understatement to say that Logan was nervous. As much as he…  _liked_  Roman, the two had never had more than idle conversation while conducting employee-customer interactions. What if Roman thought he was boring? Or what if he found out Roman was boring? From their limited interactions thus-far, it seemed like Roman was quite the character, but for all Logan knew that was a work persona to help with dealing with customers. Besides, no one actually liked Logan, he was too boring, snobbish, “posh”.

Okay, no. Patton liked Logan. Virgil probably did.

Focus, Logan.

Logan focuses on the lecture, taking notes to drive the thoughts from his head. This only works for the next hour or so, because once class is over he has no choice but to mull over his thoughts as he heads to the cafeteria. He chooses a seat against the far wall, facing outward so that he can see if/when Roman comes.

He appears not five minutes later, striding through the cafeteria with all the confidence and bravado of a man who’s convinced the world worships his very existence. Logan stands as he nears, and Roman looks over, smiling brightly when he realizes who he’s looking at. Roman bounds over to the table, dropping his backpack on the ground and flopping into the chair unceremoniously, slouching in the seat with his legs spread in front of him.

Logan sits back down, back straight yet relaxed against the back of the chair and legs tucked close. Roman speaks before Logan has the chance to form a thought. “So, Logan! I must say it’s a pleasure to finally meet you outside of work!” Logan glances at him and nods, a soft smile on his face. “Yes, I have to agree. It’s nice to see you without an apron on.” Roman laughs, and Logan’s smile grows.

Roman finds out that Logan wants to teach chemistry (“What do science majors do, light things on fire?”), and Logan finds out that Roman is a theater major (“What do theater majors even do? Eat glass? Staple things to themselves?” Roman laughed loudly. “Yes.”). They talked about worst fears and phobias (“I suppose I’m afraid of failure, though a phobia I haven’t been able to overcome is claustrophobia.” “Oh, wow. I was just going to say I’m afraid of horizontal stripes.” “….Of course you are.”). They talked about everything and nothing for nearly three hours before Roman had to go.

“Rehearsal. I’ll see you here tomorrow?”

Logan had been so surprised he almost for got to respond. “Ah… Yes! Yes. I shall see you tomorrow.”

 

That had been the routine for nearly three weeks before Logan just didn’t show up one day. Roman had been reasonably concerned – if Logan wasn’t going to show, he would have texted Roman – and after twenty minutes of anxiously waiting, leg practically vibrating, he heard something that made his stomach churn and his blood boil.

“Oh man, that was so funny!”

“Right? I bet he’s panicking because he’s going to miss his next class.”

“I love Lo, but he needs to learn to loosen up! Maybe being locked in the janitor’s closet will teach him to relax.”

“But don’t you think we should’ve like… I don’t know, told someone?”

“I’m sure the janitor will come by him eventually. It’s not like he can suffocate in there.”

Roman had been out of his seat before the conversation ended.

He walked with purpose, trying in vain to calm himself down as he searched for the aforementioned closet. He nearly broke into a sprint, and he would have, if not for the fact that if he went running around he might miss the right door. He’d checked the Student Center building first, thinking maybe Logan was ambushed on his way to the cafeteria so he had to be in the building. He wasn’t there, and Roman swore. Logan had to be freaking out right now.

He took a deep breath. Calm down Roman, just think. Think. Where could he be on this giant campus? This campus with dozens of buildings that will take all day to search- Think. What building was his last class in?

Roman finds Logan locked in the closet not even five doors down from his English class.

Roman’s heart constricts when he hears Logan panicking, breaths ragged – more gasps than anything – and crying audibly. Roman tries to open the door, but it’s locked –  _obviously, you idiot_  – he takes a step back, speaking over Logan’s sobs. “Logan? Hold on, I’m going to get you out. You’re okay, just breathe.” Logan sounds like he’s saying something, or at least trying to, but Roman can’t make it out. He instead focuses on how he’s going to get this door open.

Should he go look for a janitor? No, that could take all day. Should he break the door in? Yeah right, break his shoulder maybe. If only he could pick the lock, then-

He could pick the lock!

Roman takes the bobby pins out of his hair, bending one until it was relatively straight and slipping it into the lock. As he works, he keeps talking to Logan, trying to calm him down. Logan’s stopped crying, but it’s clear he’s still freaking out. Roman finally gets the door unlocked – he can’t believe that worked – and throws it open, revealing a very distressed Logan.

He has his knees pulled up to his chest, eyes shut tight, and is hugging his knees. His whole body is tense and shaking uncontrollably. By the sound of it, Roman doubts he’s getting any air. He quickly kneels at Logan’s side and throws his arms around him, and when Logan flinches he’s about to pull away, but Logan stops him by clinging to him. Roman feels his lungs constrict as he rubs the other’s back, shooshing him softly.

“It’s okay, Lo. You’re okay. You’re safe.”

They stay like that for several minutes and Logan slowly starts to calm down. Once he’s breathing normally, Roman pulls away, holding Logan at arm’s length and looking him over. “Come on, let’s get you cleaned up.”

He helps him up, and they walk to the bathroom together. Roman digs through his bag, pulling out a small makeup kit, and Logan looks about ready to run for it. Roman sighs, smiling softly. “Don’t worry, Specs, I’ll make sure no one can see the difference. I am a performer, after all.” Logan reluctantly agrees and sits on the bathroom counter, studying Roman’s face as he goes to work removing the evidence of Logan’s panic attack.

* * *

 

“I do mean it, Logan.”

* * *

 

Roman was talking about some production that was currently in progress, gesturing excitedly in large sweeping movements and talking loudly, a huge grin on his face. Logan had no idea what he was saying, but he loved to hear the other talk. Over the course of a year the two had grown extremely close, and Logan couldn’t be happier to have such an amazing friend. He smiled, resting his chin in his hand as he listened to the sound of Roman’s voice.

Roman looked over at Logan, and suddenly he stopped talking. Logan was starting to get worried over the silence when Roman turned red and suddenly blurted out, “God I love you.”

He seemed to realize what he said as his blush got darker and he floundered to cover his tracks. “I- I mean- I just- I meant as a friend! Well, not that I- That is to say- I do feel that way, but- If you don’t feel the same I completely understa-“

“Roman.”

Roman stopped talking, his mouth snapping shut, and Logan smiled softly. “I… Perhaps feel the same way as well.”

Roman’s face lit up and he leaned across the table like an excited puppy. “Really?” Logan laughed, patting Roman’s cheek. “Yes, really. I… Don’t know how, when, or why, but… I do.”

Roman stood up suddenly, ignoring his chair as it hit the wall and kissing Logan passionately.

* * *

 

“Roman, please,  _please_  understand, I-“

* * *

 

“What do you mean ‘I can’t do this to you anymore’? Do what?”

Logan looked at his lap, hands fidgeting with the blanket of his bed as he refused to look at his boyfriend. “I am not blind, Roman. Nor am I deaf. I’ve seen and heard how the other students treat you. How your parents treat you. If you were to break up with me-“

“Screw them! They don’t matter, Lo! We’re graduating in two months and moving in together, then we’ll never see any of them again!” Roman was pacing the room, working a pattern into the carpet between Logan’s desk and his bedroom door. His cheeks were pink with frustration, his eyes betraying the anger and hurt he was feeling. “They don’t matter. What matters is us! Do you love me?” He’d stopped in his tracks, turning to stare down at Logan with an intense gaze.

“W-what?”

“Do you love me.”

Logan didn’t know where that question came from. “Yes, of course I do. I tell you… several times a day, I belie-“

Roman starts pacing again. “Then that’s all that matters! Who cares if our classmates or families don’t ‘approve of our lifestyle’? We can make our own world without them.”

Logan sighs, smoothing out his covers before going right back to fidgeting them between his fingers. “You know as well as I that you cannot simply ‘make your own world’, Roman. In this room we can believe everything is perfect, but you can’t possibly be blind to the world outside that door!” He was ruining Roman’s life; couldn’t the man see that? The sooner he distanced himself from Logan, the better.

“Who said we had to be blind to it to be happy?” Roman had stopped pacing again, but he didn’t seem as agitated. Logan looked up at him curiously, “What do you mean?”

“’Those that mind don’t matter’, in the words of the great Dr. Seuss.” Roman shoves his hands in his pockets – a habit he’d picked up from Virgil when he was feeling particularly vulnerable. He asked the next part quietly, looking at his feet. “So, if you really love me, are you really going to let a bunch of assholes come between us?” Logan shook his head and stood up, walking around his bed to hug Roman close. “No. You’re right, they don’t matter. We can… we can be professional make-believers.” Roman laughed softly at the joke and held Logan tightly.

* * *

 

“You didn’t let me finish, Logan.” Logan closed his mouth, feeling as though he was made of glass as he waited for Roman to continue. “I’m done…” Roman takes a deep breath and looks at Logan with an intensity he hasn’t seen since they decided all those years ago that they were more important than those that couldn’t accept them. “I’m done being needed. I want to be  _wanted_. I want you to want me so bad that you can’t even breathe. That when we’re apart all you can think of is me. That I’m your last thought before you fall asleep and the first thought you have when you wake. I want to be wanted so badly that these thoughts you keep having turn to dust because they can’t get past the love in your heart.”

He takes a step closer to Logan, who’s started crying now. He’s not shaking or making any sound; it’s a silent thing, just water dripping down his face, but Roman can see how afraid he is. “I thought we settled this years ago, love. Please, I can’t do this again.” Logan lets out a shuddering breath, trying to speak and having to restart when his voice quits. “It’s not- … It’s not them, Roman. It’s… It’s me.” Roman frowns and gently takes Logan’s hands, leading him to their bed and sitting on the edge. “Whatever do you mean, darling?”

Roman knew that Logan struggled with some dark feelings. He knew that despite what he said Logan always had doubts, always had voices whispering lies into his ear and convincing him that he was poisoning Roman. Roman wished more than anything that he could simply defeat those thoughts, banish them from his lover’s mind. He loved him more than anything. He just wished Logan could love himself the same way.

“You know what I mean. God, I’ve told you all of this a hundred times before, and yet no matter how many times we talk it over I cannot stop feeling the same.” Roman’s heart breaks at the look in Logan’s eyes; the pain, the self-hatred and doubt. He gently takes Logan’s chin and tilts his head up, kissing him softly before pulling back. He wouldn’t trade anything for this beautifully flawed man before him, as much as he wished he could take away some of his pain.

“You know that as long as I live I will never stop loving you, Logan Barry. Dark thoughts and all. You’re  _mine_.” He leans forward until their foreheads are touching, rubbing the back of the hand he’s still holding. “I will always be here, and I will always love you for exactly who you are. I would rewrite the stars for you.” Logan shakes slightly with quiet sobs and hugs Roman tightly, pressing his face into Roman’s neck. Roman hugs back just as tightly, and the two stay like that for what feels like days before Logan’s finally calmed down.

“My Prince,” Logan murmurs against his skin, using his old nickname for Roman, “you already have.”


End file.
